Ben says:
maybe you should have electro shock therapy

Ben says:
to learn how to play attention

Ella says:
is that a new game?

Ben says:
yes

Ella says:
you're typo master today

Ben says:
no no, attention is a new game

Ben says:
just stick your finger into this power socket...

Ella says:
thats a stupid thing to say anyway

Ella says:
fingers are too big to fit in a power socket

Ben says:
ah, you're getting good at this game

Ben says:
so how would you fit your fingers in?

Ella says:
pare them down with a potato peeler?

Ben says:
good answer, but it's not the top answer

Ben says:
would you like a second guess?

Ella says:
make the power socket bigger?

Ella says:
perhaps with a screwdriver

Ben says:
congratulations!

Ella says:
but! one with a wooden handle so you dont kill yourself

Ella says:
metal conducts electricty!

Ben says:
good

Ella says:
i win.

Ben says:
now, to win the grand prize, demonstrate that your fingers will fit in

Ella says:
i'm too lazy to do that

Ben says:
oooh, bad luck

Ben says:
let's have a look at what you could have won...

Ella says:
no grand prize of hideous electrical death for me

Ben says:
It's a gold-plated mahagony coffin with ipod speakers built into the headrest!

Ella says:
ooooooh! i can listen to muse as i slowly decompose

not really.

SO! it's time for a post of self love.

what has 2006 been like? an A to Z would do the trick here! lets see.

A - Apple. I got an iPod!
B - Boyfriend. He's Scottish!
C - Cows. Got chased by some mad ones.
D - Drunk. Many, many times.
E - Edinburgh Festival. Bill Bailey!
F - Fatter. Being too poor to eat for weeks at uni keeps one malnourished and ones arse small.
G - Graduated. I'm now a Bachelor of Arts! But not real art, i can't draw.
H - Hotels. Stayed in lots, have the free toiletries to prove it.
I - Ill. I am ill now!
J - Jesnails. Groovadizzlical funkfic, penned with Big C-to-the-Jizzle Jivebot.
K - Kittens! And cats. In particular, Serious Cat (Cat Yorke as he prefers to be called.)
L - (see 'B' and take a guess).
M - Muse! Saw them in manchester.
N - New Forest. 15 mile bike rides and country pubs!
O - Omcon. It was such a larf.
P - Placebo! Saw them in concert in Glasgow, and got every single one of their albums totally legally, honest.
Q - Quebec. Is not the capital of Canada. Not relevant but just a nugget of handy info.
R - Reading. Read squillions, or thereabout, of books. Best? 'The Historian' by Elizabeth Kostova. Worst? 'Deception Point' by Dan Brown. Rubbish.
S - Shark. Ate some! very nice. See also: stilted. ref: this annoying style of writing. see also: stop. now.
T - Time. Occasionally i've had too much of it, due to a part time job and no money to do anything. Yes, 2006 was boring in places. Large places.
U - University. I still can't believe i've finished, and now i want to go back.
V - Vampires. The star of my favourite book of the year!
W - Work. Did lots of non paying educational work, hardly any paid work. So i'm still poor.
X - Xray! the obvious choice for X. Shame i didn't have any.
Y - Youtube. I'm on it now eating some manky chocolate and looking stupid.
Z - Zozm. This has been the best year ever for new and exciting words.

Ahhhhhh. *self satisfied sigh* Everybody loves a bit of stuff or something sometimes.

i'm in the mood to write one of those poems people write as they go along.

so here we go. i call this activity spontetry.

Brother leaves for work and he
calls goodbye, grabs the keys
shuts the doors, walks away
just the start, another day
parents watch TV
i sit
typing
typing
typing
shit
because i'm bored and jittery
caffeine always does that to me
plemons i see
stacked carefully
by someone weird
well he must be
(could be a she
androgony.)
as weird as me?
possibly.
but i would never put lemons on a stick
as a lolly, too bitter. it would make you
vom.




I call this poem: Bacon.

I am posting a lot in this these days.

Happy news: SCOTLAND: 1 WH SMITH: 0

Oh i'm so relieved. I feel a bit guilty. But then again it was a crap job for crap money with crap hours, not even full time, not even permanant...

I've got a new phone number also. Anyone on here that has my old phone number and wants the new one to replace it only needs to ask me for it. And send £25 in an envelope to Ella Turnbull, Temple of Funk, Moose Road, Spifferton.

I saw the new Harry Potter trailer today. It looks awesome.

So, I went to a party for a friends birthday the other day. It was marvellous fun until the very end, when there was a bit of a brawl and people got themselves arrested. At first it looked like it was going to get a bit ugly, with charges being pressed and accusations hurled around by injured parties. But it's not being taken any further now, which is good.

wh smith rang yesterday but i was at work. Surely i'm much more worried about this than I should be. But i kind of feel like it's not my choice anymore, and that by turning it down, if indeed they rang to offer it to me, i'd be letting everybody down.

everything i see on the news seems to be getting to me recently. I wish I could hibernate. It would be nice to go to bed for a few weeks and totally ignore the outside world for a while.

[/emo]

Also, I changed my picture. It was a pig, then it was a pink panther. Now it's plemons. Not lemons! plemons.

Date:	2006-11-14 18:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	good

So, when I came back here I realised there was a saved draft of an entry I started writing ages ago. It was very long, and out of date, but I was unwilling to delete it all. So, instead, I deleted loads of it at random, but left a few choice snippets to indicate what it once contained, minus context.

***************************************************************************

...becoming a chicken master. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!

We saw a pumpkinman and a dwarf tramp.

...art (stark)

...dog poo and how its location in your garden determines how annoying it is.

...the amount of gorillas it would take to lift a snooker table, how many people it would take to eat a whole city

"axe weilding internet stalker pervert"

We went on some swings and left the cake stuff sitting, jealously i'm sure, on that bobbly rubber bone protection

Indeed, Oare cows aren't your normal gormless cud-chewing milk machines. they FIGHT and CHASE and LAUGH and LOVE!

...if they don't explode.

***************************************************************************

In other news, I had my graduation on Friday. Shook hands, threw hat. We stayed in a gorgeous spa hotel in North Wales, which my parents kindly paid through the nose for.

Then, me and doors went to see MUSE on Saturday, and stayed in a much crapper hotel. We were originally going to stay in a nice hotel we had been to before, but they had a problem with plumbing and sent us elsewhere. Ah well.

Muse were incredibly amazing and wonderful to the extreme. Chris, don't read this bit. They released big balloons during Bliss. They played at least one song from every album (except Random 1 - 8). They had big screens with cool video stuff to go along with the songs and finished with Take a Bow, during which Matt Bellamy did indeed take a very theatrical bow. The piano bit in Butterflies and Hurricanes was jaw droppingly beautiful, and I could only stand there staring, agape. Matt chucked his guitar into the crowd after New Born, I think. His guitar went out of tune a few songs in, and had to stop for a while to tune it, for which he apoligised and said it wasn't all rock and roll.

Chris, you can start reading again now.

Chris says:
*eats ella's font*
Ella says:
how dare you!
Chris says:
YOUR FONT IS TASTY AND DELICIOUS
Chris says:
YOUR FONT = SKITTLES

I have returned from Scotland to find my parents have replaced the living and dining room curtains with blinds. They are made of wood. Also, i keep having dreams about nelly furtado. Not last night though. Last night i had what i call my STRESS DREAM. it's a bit scary, when i have them, how often i have to try and force myself back to sleep so i can, er, wake up.

scotland was fun and went way too quickly. moving house proved a little bit stressful, with much driving to and fro, a little dispelled anger at fellow motorists, some heavy lifting. OMG TEH BAGS

but we also went to pubs, a few of. I beat someone at pool for the first time in what could possibly be years. (true!) totally without assistance too! (a fib)

still, despite stressful house moves, accidental damage and the crushing depression of goodbyes, it was fun.

one day i'll snap, and be all "DOORS/STEVEN! LEAVE YOUR JOB AND MOVE IN WITH ME INTO A SHED ON AN ALLOTMENT IN A MARSHY WASTELAND WE CAN GROW OUR OWN VEGETABLES AND GET UP REALLY LATE I AM SURE THE LACK OF RUNNING WATER ELECTRICITY AND EVERYTHING ELSE YOU DON'T GET IN A SHED WILL BE MADE UP FOR BY THE WONDERFUL GLOW OF LIVING TOGETHER AND THE CHIRPY BIRDIES WE ARE SURE TO BEFRIEND YEAH"

will it work? willit?!?

had an interview today, for another super high class career. (insert sarcastic thumb-up HERE)

it is highly unlikely i'll get it, due to my slight discomfort with the idea of working every saturday. i fucking need at least one whole weekend off a month. all it will take is one other applicant to be all "yeah, i have no problem working every saturday" and i'll be in the bin. ah well.

it might be nice in there.

Chris says:
(milk)
Ella says:
milch?
Chris says:
ja
Ella says:
9
Ella says:
(haha)
Chris says:
lol
Chris says:
G6 (haha)
Ella says:
lol (haha)

Being scared. Why do we like it so much?

I want to go on a GHOST TOUR! a really SCARY ONE! that has things that JUMP OUT and make you SCREAM and hop around hysterically and grab peoples arms and stare wildly from wide open eyes and go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Also, i want a stripey teapot to go with my snazzy wellies. Technically they're my mums, but still. i wear them as if they are mine.

Stripes! why do we like them so much.

So, the marketing people did get back to me. It wasn't a rejection email, oh no. They wanted me to go in for an observation day. Which i did. Lets just say that job is not for me. Indeed, I can hardly imagine a job i want less. I told them so (in a diplomatic manner) and left quickly. Phew.

I went to Glasgow last thursday, got back on tuesday. It was a lot of fun. We got a bit drunk (see: very) on vodka and wine, and went to a few interesting pubs, including a hell themed pub, and a Frankenstein themed pub, complete with large Frankenstein monster model which every now and then, randomly dropped from the ceiling, sat up and twitched its feet, accompanied by eerie organ music and dimmed lights. It's so random.

We met one of Steven's friends, called Elinor. Apparently this is pronounced El-en-ah, and not, as I was saying it, El-in-or. Gosh, where oh where did i get that crazy pronounciation from. She's really nice, and can tie a cherry stalk in a knot with her tongue. I was very impressed.

We saw Bill Bailey at the Edinburgh Festival. He's a comedy GOD. I laughed so much my cheeks hurt. He sang the love song at the end (the duck lies shredded in a pancake, soaking in the hoi-sin of your lies) and the Kraftwerk inspired Oky Cokey. and bitched about George Bush, the Da Vinci Code, Friends (the program), hecklers, and the Star Wars theme. So funny.

Then I had to come home. Which was sad.

Huzzah! Not only are me and Doors going to see MUSE in November (MUSE YES MUSE OMG MUSE), we are also going to see BILL BAILEY at the Edinburgh Festival!

Yay!

In other news: I have an interview tomorrow, which i'm not confident about at all. I don't actually know what kind of work it is. "Marketing". The website listed three positions, all of which i applied for. However! they skimped on details such as salary, hours and location. I'm hoping it's in an office, but, it's possible it's not. If it entails any kind of standing in the street with a clipboard, then i shall be making excuses and leaving as quickly as i can. This vagueness on their part really doesn't bode well at all; in fact, it's more than possible it'll turn out a big waste of time. But meh, i'll still go to it. i think i need to refresh my interview technique, my last interview being over a year ago now.

Working in Jeager at the mo, part time. I don't mind it there, but part time is No Good. I need to start saving money to move out of my parents house. Where to, nobody knows. Could be a few miles away, could be hundreds.

I'm broke at the moment, shockingly. But going to glasgow next week. I didnt think i'd be able to go a few days ago, having serious issues with my credit card, tuition fees and parental difficulties. Not fun times at all. But it seems alright now.

still. BILL BAILEY :)

Date:	2006-07-08 14:14
Subject:	jubilation!
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic

2.1 BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date:	2006-06-06 19:21
Subject:	a rather spontaneous doom-laden rant!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cynical

last exam tomorrow! huzzah.

gaaaaaaaaaaaaad, i hate revision. HATE IT WITH A FIERY PASSION THAT BURNS LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS AND OTHER PLANETERY BODIES GENERALLY ACCEPTED AS BEING QUITE WARM.

the english dept have invited us all down the pub after it. i sincerely hope they're buying. surely it wont put them that much out of pocket when the lecturers strike gets resolved. and it fucking better get resolved in their favour, for them (lecturers really are badly underpaid) and also after everything they've had to put us through.

Our english essay deadline was put 5 weeks before the exam for a reason: so we could get useful feedback on it which would be useful to bear in mind for the exam. have we got any useful feedback? no. i haven't even got my mark.

thankfully they're only witholding marks and not taking the more drastic action that the ATU members are taking. My friend (uni of Leicester) told me her exam didn't even get set, but i think they resolved that one. some lecturers at some uni's aren't even marking anything, so it could be that those students are fucked if they want to graduate this summer. imagine the backlog of essays there will be when they finally agree to mark them.

Apparently it's not going to put us at "any great disadvantage", because graduates all over the country are in the same situation. However, the people who are applying to do an MA next year are at a huge disadvantage. The deadline for applying to do an MA is very early in the summer, because the majority of people who do them don't go straight on after graduating. If they don't get their marks on time, their plans will be forced back a year.

but then again, i can understand why they have to take action. being a lecturer isn't a highly paid job for the time and work they have to put in. you would think they would be able to get extra income from research projects etc, but no; my Irish Lit lecturer wrote a book, which was published through Manchester University Press, i think - as the author, she gets 1% of whatever it makes. one percent!

if you want to make shitloads of money from writing, then seriously. You better be the next Dan Brown.

Date:	2006-06-04 14:14
Subject:	blah
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off

I woke up with a giant spider next to my head yesterday.

Since then i've found another spider, a large black beetle, several moths, a snail and other assorted weird wiggly slimy things in the bathroom.

No doubt they are attracted to the carpet which must be a hive of bacterial life. As if a carpet in a bathroom wasn't gross enough, it gets worse when certain housemates leave the shower curtain hanging over the bath so the water runs down and completely soaks it. Her reason? "It sticks to me when i'm in the shower!"

for fucks sake.

I've got no food other than pasta and rice. no credit. no clean clothes, cause the washing machine is broken. no spare money, cause i have to save it all.

i have to pay £200 a month until september to uni or i wont graduate. the first installment is next week.

on the same day as my english exam.

someone just kill me now.

in happier news: nothing.

YOU ATE MY HORSE

FATTY

This post dedicated to Chris Jordan, Ukranian robot-pirate-billionaire with own ant army.

Date:	2006-05-23 01:59
Subject:	tales of tubs
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

Dear Mr Swift,

Thank you for making things so incredibly difficult. Why couldn't you just say what you meant? Why did you have to hide it under allegories and ironic impersonation and imitation and praise blame inversion? What was wrong with invective, really? Yeah, i know nobody would have listened, but at least people would know what you were on about if they did! Did you REALLY HAVE TO stoop to the level of Aristotle? Does anyone actually recognize an enthymeme if they're not looking for it? Why not say "Look you English cunto's, stop treating us like shite and trade like nice chaps" INSTEAD OF "Hey everyone, lets eat our kids!" It would have made you a shit satirist, but it would have made studying you loads easier!

>sigh<

back to work. Last chapter now. Then just the intro and conclusion. And the abstract, bibliography, contents page and acknowledgements. And the footnotes, which are shot to fuck thanks to my habit of doing each chapter in a different Word document. But i'll settle with getting the last chapter done tonight.

I HATE YOU JOHNNY.

(PS: I like Swift really. I'm just getting a bit sick of it now.)

Date:	2006-05-16 00:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

Well, that was a particularly lovely few days.

I spent too much and ate lots of lovely food and went on a big wheel thing in Manchester which went very high up and stayed in a gorgeous hotel and didn't think about uni once and generally had a very nice time being blissfully, sickeningly loved up. Awww.

Now: time to get off the cloud and back to reality.

Powergen sent my cheque back, because i had retardedly written £111 in words, and £118 in numbers. What. A. Loser.

Things aren't exactly pleasant in my house at the moment. It's a nasty business which i wont go into here, but there is a cloud of suspicion and paranoia hanging over us. Even though I obviously know I've got nothing to do with what's happened, having this air of accusation around makes things very uncomfortable.

Not long left. I can't wait to move out.

Date:	2006-05-11 16:30
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	weird

I changed my picture from the pig to the panther.

Next: a porcupine, or a porpoise. Perhaps a pigeon or a polar bear. Possibly a pinemarten. Probably a penguin, or a panda.

I had a strange dream last night. I was in a safari park with lots of other people. Who they were i cannot remember. Anyway, I had to go in a room with a snake in it, so i put long boots on so it wouldnt bite my leg. Then i danced with a polar bear. Then we (me, the people and the polar bears) went shopping and bought canned food.

It's not quite as strange as the dream i had in which i went scuba diving with harry potter, and married a whale. There was also an evil train in that dream. And an old woman who only spoke in rhyme, and a punk hairdresser, and apu from the simpsons in a bar which served cocktails called "The Alton Towers"... there was a picture of one in the menu. it looked like a cartoon girl pirate.

I watched Doctors today. Mac is having an affair.